fierce femmes and notorious liars by kai cheng thom

What can we do to change that? What do you need me to understand?įocusing on the underlying needs of a conflict situation (what’s really important here?), rather than on specific positions (what did each different word in a conversation mean?), can sometimes help us defuse conflict and ease out of the cycle of entrenchment. I need to be honest and tell you that I think you misunderstood me, but what’s more important is that I care about you, and I want you to feel safe. Person B: Hey, wow, I can see that you’re really hurt here. Person A: Now you’re lying and trying to gaslight me. Admitting to acts of deliberate harm that we truly haven’t committed can be psychologically damaging, and it’s not something I recommend if it’s at all avoidable. While just giving in might momentarily de-escalate the conflict, it’s very unlikely to help in the long run.

To falsely admit to it would not only put you in the position of “perpetrator,” it also has the potential to seriously damage the relationship because it confirms your partner’s fear that you were deliberately trying to deceive them. This makes sense, because gaslighting is a serious form of manipulation. “The definition of gaslighting feels like it is becoming so expansive that it’s hard for us to have a clear, shared understanding of what it means and when it applies.” In your letter, Tired, you mention that it seems like the only way your partner will be satisfied is if you give in and agree that their version of events is the correct one, which feels super wrong to you. In the language of conflict resolution, we might call this an entrenched position: Both of you are deeply invested in your own perspectives, and there’s something very serious at stake for each of you, which makes it feel like it’s impossible to back down.

Fierce femmes and notorious liars by kai cheng thom